accountability

I keep thinking that I should have some form of accountability to myself. You know, the kind where you know you get up in the morning and get your kids off to school and then get your day started. Maybe I'm thinking of responsibility? Hmmm, accountability...being able to say to yourself this is what I need to accomplish today and follow through on it?

I know how to get through a schedule for a day. I know that I need to have meals through out that day. I somehow have no way of saying to myself..."hey that isn't good for you". Well I guess that's not true. My mind does send out red flags when I'm approaching things that aren't appropriate for me in my state right now. But do I care? I just reach right out and grab it. Why don't I feel that sense of self preservation when I dive right into things like this.

It's these personal things, the promises I make to just myself that no one knows about that I can't seem to be able to follow through on. I feel no need or desire to share these things with someone else or if I do I dont feel that ownership. They can't discipline me if I mess up or if I decide to heck with this! I've even had friends that I have thought I could share everything with in this manner of my eating and exercising and have as a buddy but I have found that even then I don't fess up like I should and how on earth would they know?

I have no desire to, but I know I should start writing down everything I eat so I can have some idea of the damage I'm doing to myself. I do get on the dailyplate.com every so often to plug in different meals and I have been good about getting on more often at times, to see how I'm doing. I've been encouraged to write down things I eat. Even encouraged to write down my feelings when I approach that thing I am headed for and usually there is some kind of reason behind it. I just feel that if I mess with talking about my food and writing it all down then I'm really in a mess that I can't ever get away from it. Not if I'm touching it, preparing it, eating it, cleaning up after it, and now talking and writing about it? When will that cycle end? I do understand though that it would help me see what my intake is every day.

Now just because I have this difficulty sticking to my guns when it comes to commitment to myself I have no difficulty when it comes to sticking to my guns when I make commitments to others. When I say I'm gonna be there I will be there, if life happens on my way there I do own up to that and call ahead and rearrange things and not leave the other person hanging. I wouldnt want that done to myself. When I say I'm gonna help with something I do it. When I say I'm going to DO something that someone has asked me I DO it. I just have this problem of following through on commitments to myself.


I have come to realize as I've been on this quest of self discovery that I need help in discovering who I am, what I'm doing and why. Why am I even in this position? Am I having a midlife crisis? Not sure. I just know I'm not happy with myself the way I am right now on a couple of different levels. For the most part I am happy with my life, happy with my marriage, happy with my kids and their successes, happy in my neighborhood/community and I do have great neighbors. I'm looking for ways to find outside help so I can figure ME out.

In trying to figure me out I've been reaching out to a couple of people. I have been seeing my religious leader and I have a new found friend in a weight loss coach that I have met some weeks ago. Interesting that I've come to see these two people who have nothing to do with eachother that they are both telling me and asking me basicsally the same things. Am I in alignment with my God? Do I love myself? I have to admit it was kind of surprising to me to look that deep into myself and discover I have allowed the worldly things and thoughts to step in between me and my God. I have allowed these worldly things to show me what is appropriate when it's really rediculous come to think of it. I've allowed the world to dictate to me what size I should be, and because I'm not that perfect size I've stood right along with the world at chastizing myself and beating myself down. I've allowed myself to care what others think about me. As a young woman I was strong and vibrant and didn't care what others thought, I did as I wanted and I was pretty successful that way on many levels. What happened ot me? Why am I not that same person? Why do I care what people think? Why am I a .....heaven forbid I even say it?..... a people pleaser?

Now that I really think about it, I may really not know what people think of me. Does it really matter what they think of me? Well the people pleaser in me, the "approval addict" in me does want to know. I really dont and I need to figure out how to live with not knowing and still be happy with me. I've been living up to, I mean comparing myself to this ideal of who I should be and because I've been a miserable failure at it I've been not so nice to myself. I've allowed negative chatter to carry me away.

Well, with what I know I need to do with my life, I've now realized I can't please everyone. I need to do what I need to for myself and my family and let those be my priorities. I can no longer care what anyone else thinks anymore. I can't save the world and everyone in it. I can only save myself and help those around me along. I cry as I say this but I need to love me for me. I need to see the good in me and the good I can do. So! Hey world! here I come! love me or not, here I am!

Major changes for me are a brewin' and I know it, I feel them, I need them and I stand here and embrace their approach and that sence of accountability will be among them. I'm thinking this accountability I need to have is indeed linked with the love I need to feel for myself. HMM interesting.