Today Green?

Happy St. Patty's Day everyone!

difficult maybe, definately something new

Today I am starting something new. It will be difficult to do and I will have a support system around me, THANK GOODNESS! I'm giving myself 40 days to do it. I will if I can get a pic of my feet on the scale and see where I'm starting and maybe even pics of my body sort of decapitated. Since I'm doing this I might as well track it here and make myself ...dare I say it? BE ACCOUNTABLE? At least to me.

It's sort of an in depth liver detox diet. It is expensive and it's serious! I'm sure it's something controversial so I wont be laying out the details just yet. I will say I am starting today and will put up my stats as soon as I can. Would love it if someone could help me find a calendar that I can X out or cross off days as I do it like a count down of sorts. Maybe it's here and I just haven't found it yet. Still getting used to this thing.

It is costly so I have to imagine a juicy hamburger and fries and shake costing over 200 bucks if I choose to cheat and ruin the whole thing. So with that image floating around in my head I'd like that money go to making my butt a lot smaller than it is! he he.

Can someone also help me figure out how to make posts and photos between posts or do I have to post with the photo? i might have some editing to do later.

Lorraine, thanks for guiding me here!

accountability

I keep thinking that I should have some form of accountability to myself. You know, the kind where you know you get up in the morning and get your kids off to school and then get your day started. Maybe I'm thinking of responsibility? Hmmm, accountability...being able to say to yourself this is what I need to accomplish today and follow through on it?

I know how to get through a schedule for a day. I know that I need to have meals through out that day. I somehow have no way of saying to myself..."hey that isn't good for you". Well I guess that's not true. My mind does send out red flags when I'm approaching things that aren't appropriate for me in my state right now. But do I care? I just reach right out and grab it. Why don't I feel that sense of self preservation when I dive right into things like this.

It's these personal things, the promises I make to just myself that no one knows about that I can't seem to be able to follow through on. I feel no need or desire to share these things with someone else or if I do I dont feel that ownership. They can't discipline me if I mess up or if I decide to heck with this! I've even had friends that I have thought I could share everything with in this manner of my eating and exercising and have as a buddy but I have found that even then I don't fess up like I should and how on earth would they know?

I have no desire to, but I know I should start writing down everything I eat so I can have some idea of the damage I'm doing to myself. I do get on the dailyplate.com every so often to plug in different meals and I have been good about getting on more often at times, to see how I'm doing. I've been encouraged to write down things I eat. Even encouraged to write down my feelings when I approach that thing I am headed for and usually there is some kind of reason behind it. I just feel that if I mess with talking about my food and writing it all down then I'm really in a mess that I can't ever get away from it. Not if I'm touching it, preparing it, eating it, cleaning up after it, and now talking and writing about it? When will that cycle end? I do understand though that it would help me see what my intake is every day.

Now just because I have this difficulty sticking to my guns when it comes to commitment to myself I have no difficulty when it comes to sticking to my guns when I make commitments to others. When I say I'm gonna be there I will be there, if life happens on my way there I do own up to that and call ahead and rearrange things and not leave the other person hanging. I wouldnt want that done to myself. When I say I'm gonna help with something I do it. When I say I'm going to DO something that someone has asked me I DO it. I just have this problem of following through on commitments to myself.


I have come to realize as I've been on this quest of self discovery that I need help in discovering who I am, what I'm doing and why. Why am I even in this position? Am I having a midlife crisis? Not sure. I just know I'm not happy with myself the way I am right now on a couple of different levels. For the most part I am happy with my life, happy with my marriage, happy with my kids and their successes, happy in my neighborhood/community and I do have great neighbors. I'm looking for ways to find outside help so I can figure ME out.

In trying to figure me out I've been reaching out to a couple of people. I have been seeing my religious leader and I have a new found friend in a weight loss coach that I have met some weeks ago. Interesting that I've come to see these two people who have nothing to do with eachother that they are both telling me and asking me basicsally the same things. Am I in alignment with my God? Do I love myself? I have to admit it was kind of surprising to me to look that deep into myself and discover I have allowed the worldly things and thoughts to step in between me and my God. I have allowed these worldly things to show me what is appropriate when it's really rediculous come to think of it. I've allowed the world to dictate to me what size I should be, and because I'm not that perfect size I've stood right along with the world at chastizing myself and beating myself down. I've allowed myself to care what others think about me. As a young woman I was strong and vibrant and didn't care what others thought, I did as I wanted and I was pretty successful that way on many levels. What happened ot me? Why am I not that same person? Why do I care what people think? Why am I a .....heaven forbid I even say it?..... a people pleaser?

Now that I really think about it, I may really not know what people think of me. Does it really matter what they think of me? Well the people pleaser in me, the "approval addict" in me does want to know. I really dont and I need to figure out how to live with not knowing and still be happy with me. I've been living up to, I mean comparing myself to this ideal of who I should be and because I've been a miserable failure at it I've been not so nice to myself. I've allowed negative chatter to carry me away.

Well, with what I know I need to do with my life, I've now realized I can't please everyone. I need to do what I need to for myself and my family and let those be my priorities. I can no longer care what anyone else thinks anymore. I can't save the world and everyone in it. I can only save myself and help those around me along. I cry as I say this but I need to love me for me. I need to see the good in me and the good I can do. So! Hey world! here I come! love me or not, here I am!

Major changes for me are a brewin' and I know it, I feel them, I need them and I stand here and embrace their approach and that sence of accountability will be among them. I'm thinking this accountability I need to have is indeed linked with the love I need to feel for myself. HMM interesting.

what gives?

I have done so many things in my life that I believe are successful so why these issues with my weight? Why does exersize not do it for me now like it did before. I grew up an athlete, played soccer for 10 years, during those years I played softball, volleyball and basketball too. After highschool I did continue to keep physically active right up until I had my first baby. Litterally, my neighbors thought I'd be giving birth in the swimming pool or at the park on the walk-track. After I had her I had the hardest time picking myself back up. I gained nearly 60 lbs in that pregnancy even with my regular exersize. I dropped 30 quickly but the other 30 just hung around. My physical activity took on a new meaning, it wasn't out in the sun and playing around like before, it was now crawling after a baby and napping when she did. It was all about getting through the day with feedings, diaper changings and keeping up with laundry and the house. That took such a toll on me just getting through the day and why? Why do so many mommies bounce back like it's nothing. They just poop out a giant basketball and slim right down and go run marathons with that baby on their backs. Why couldn't I do that? Why did my body decide that was too much and just peter out? Maybe I wasn't meant to have babies? How could I live without the precious ones I have in my life right now? Is this the cost of that for me?

My mother told me right after this first baby was born to put my skinny jeans back on even if they didnt fit they would soon. So SQUEEZE right in! I thought she was crazy so I didn't. I put on my sweats and preferred the comfort of non-restriction.

Well now, 4 pregnancies and only one more child later here I sit nearly double my preferred weight. Not quite double, but almost, might as well be right? Why is this? Why isn't chasing babies and doing housework enough to keep me in the right place?

I've joined a gym about 4 years ago and have worked out regularly, more days than not. So what gives? I have joined local programs like Boot Camp, and Biggest Loser at Home. I get so excited when I start and I do get good results for the time that I'm doing it but why does it all come back? I keep thinking I'm eating proper (well except for those trips to Starbucks and each holiday when the chocolate kisses appear in my house...who can have just one at a time?)

I'm thinking my addictions have more control over me than I thought. My body and mind are a slave to them and until I get out from under them I'm always going to feel like I'm in a constant battle. What are my addictions? hmm lets see, I'd boil it all down to processed carbs, sugar is my ultimate foe. I can probably work my a** off but it wont really matter til I take care of what really matters. My mind and my soul, set them free and kick the addictions to the curb.

Tick Tock, Tick Tock

Good thing I listen to my husband even though I hate how strictly rigid, organized and anal he can be, these qualities can be a GODSEND to the laidback softer side of me. We are a push and pull kind of couple. I might be too relaxed for him, he might be too busy for me but we really do balance eachother out. He pushes on me to be quicker and more alert (and I really thought I was til I met him). I pull on him to calm him down and see silver linings. I keep telling him his negativity is going to be the death of our marriage. He smiles, squeezes my hand and tells me he loves me and is glad I am a positive person.

Anyway, good thing I listen to him. He is pretty anal about his traveling. He has to be, he travels weekly and he has it down to a science. He can be in 3 different places in one week. He needs to know exactly what he has, where he is going and how many minutes he has in between. I HATE it! But I ADMIRE him for his ability to be thorough, responsible and punctual. He is early for everything, I'm usually late but together we are right ON TIME.

Today of all days was a great time for me to decide to follow his advice. He always allows himself at least an extra 30 to 60 minutes when getting to a flight. If he knows he has to be gone by 11:30 he will plan to be gone by 10:45, 11:00 at the latest. So he is off and running by 10:50 lets say. He gets to the airport and if I can't take him he parks in the short term lot. He parks as close to the terminal as he can. If he has just missed the most recent shuttle bus he turns toward the terminal check ins and carry ons in tow and he hoofs it all the way in! CRAZINESS I say! I'd wait for the next shuttle. It WILL be by in less than 5 minutes. My dude hoofs it in. Checks in through the "medallion" line cuz he is this crazy frequent traveler. They get him right through.

There are two lines to get in at security. Have you noticed the one line on the left is always a cattle call line? The one on the right is bascially empty just looking like a ghost town? Well, my guy steps to the right and walks past the cattle line. He steps through, gets screened and here is where I think it gets funny and he could just do without this part. He gets slowed down in his travel ritual right here, or at least he used to. For years he has worn thease steel toed shoes. Looking at them you'd never guess it but he has had some crushed toes in his life time and these shoes are wise to have in his line of work. Before he discovered NEVADOS he wore these shoes. Since 9-11 they come off and go through their own screening process, the steel would get detected and 9 times out of 10 he would get pulled to the side and physcially searched even though physically walking through the screening his body produced no bells or whistles. Those steel toed shoes are flagged as suspicious therefore he must be up to something!

After this slow down he races on to the crown room where the high and mighties like him can find a clean toilet, sit in a nice comfy chair, read a paper, browse e-mail, check fantasy soccer and cricket scores all while having a cup of coffee. Even doing these things he rushes through every second of his 30 minutes he has allowed himself to be there. He gets up in enough time to stand at his gate for about 5 minutes then with his medallion status he boards the flight first. Sits in his seat and hopefully no one is next to him - he has such long legs (for which he once got himself deported from BRAZIL for causing an inflight disturbance no lie, not kidding, another story to tell). He sets himself up with his papers and reports and enjoys his flight.

Oohhh but wait the story isn't over yet, because this is about MY trip to the airport, not his. I left home at his customary 30 or more minutes early - er - no - wait, I meant to and I was ready to go out the door. I pass through the kitchen with my bags to go through the garage to get to my car and what do my eyes see? I had just spent all morning checking and rechecking that I had everything I needed and wanted for my little trip to visit my sister. I had to see the cats (2) food and water dish was empty. The girls had forgotten to feed the kitties. So - hands full I run out the door and deposit the milk bottle in the box, garbage in the trash bin, get my luggage in the car and warm it up. I notice the porch light is still on as well. I then run back into the house and be the good and graceous mommy and animal owner that I am and grab the kitty food. I spill half of the kitty food in the water and I think, would I still drink my water with my dinner spilled into it? NO so I pick it all up and clean it all out and set clean and tidy dishes back on the floor, race to the front room to flip off the porch light and head to the back door once again. I stop for a "potty check" Thank heavens for mothers who taught us to do potty checks at the door instead of halfway down the road!

I finally get to my truck and my neighbor, whom I dearly love and rarely have time to sit down and have those long girlfriend chats with, comes up to my window, I'm thinking, "darn! I haven't chatted with her in....forever!....I would so love to talk with her right now but as it is I'm behind my husbands schedule." I decide we need to have a short exchange before I rush off meanwhie my brain is shouting, "TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK!" Crap! If I didn't just love those kitties! I told her I was on my way to the airport and I'd get back to her when I returned.

So here I go, when I started out I had an extra 10 minutes on top of that 30 now where did it go? Had to stop off at Starbucks, they are closing soon so I toast their closure nearly daily. I mean come on! They have fed my addictions for a while, whats a few more days gonna hurt? Their leaving is bittersweet so I get my drink and who can have a drink without a sweet? Not me. this is all coming to an end soon, really, PROMISE. Then I stop at a local drug store for some contact solution that is flight legal. I walk to the back having no idea where I am going. I see two barely out of highschool teenagers and ask first if they work here - cuz they were sitting on the floor playing with the make up (typical?) I then ask where the mini-travel items and contact solutions are stocked. They take me down an isle for personal hygiene then another isle for baby items. My mind is again shouting, "TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK!" I do mention that I need to get on my way to the airport and one young lady on the edge of hysteria admits she's new here and "doesn't know where anything but the make up is". So I go down a main cross isle in search of my item while she runs off to find someone with knowledge. Then a "seasoned" employyee comes walking around the corner and guides me to the contact solution and gesturing tells me where the travel items are. AH HA! travel size solution staring me in the face. I snap it up and follow the employee to the cash register. Solution in hand I get back in the truck and head for the freeway. Looks like I'm nearly on my own regualr schedule instead of my husbands by now. I think I've got 10 minutes before I slide past "on time". If I could just hurry on down the freeway now.

It takes about 35 minutes to get to the airport from my house. I am hoping to zoom back into "early" status. Ten minutes down the road those hopes were dashed so to speak. I realize that the traffic is suddenly slowing down. I'm thinking, "tick tock, tick tock, I can't have this right now! Wonder where the accident is?" As the freeway widens for a passenger lane some of the traffic is able to move thorugh. Finally I see this baracade of moving vehicles with flashing lights. It's not an accident, some huge monstrocity is creeping down the freeway and I'm behind the darn thing! What the heck is that thing? From my point of view it looked like a half a house was moving its way down the freeway at 20 mph. Davis County's finest surrounding it. I got closer and used my cell phone to take a picture. It wasn't half a house, it was a bucket that looked like half a house. It goes on one of those huge dump truck or digger thingys (what's the right term here?) that is the size my house. I was in awe at the size of the thing, to imagine the size of vehicle this thing fits on! BRAIN is back again shouting TICK TOCK but I have nowhere to go that would take me directly to the airport. I didn't have time to get off the freeway and go through the maze of cities ahead to find it. So I found a good spot and slowly followed. I kept thinking, "any exit now and it will be out of my way." The entourage kept taking all the exits I needed to take to get to my destination. "Hmm? do I really need to go on this trip? will my sister forgive me for missing my flight, will my nephew forgive me for missing his last home game? after all this is the real reason I'm going. Is this trip doomed? Should I just get off at the next exit and go home and make the necessary phone calls?.........NO! I will keep going until the gate is closed" So I patiently followed. I clicked on the radio and who do you know is singing to me? my favorite band of all time. RASCAL FLATTS. I love these guys! I'd really like to go to one of their concerts. I've never been to this kind of concert before. I had planned on being at the next one next time they came into town. But guess when that next concert is? TONIGHT! Wonder if my nephew will appreciate the magnitude of of this sacrifice? When I could be staying home and playing in my own back yard I plan a trip to play in his. Nope! he is a teenager.

The digger/shovel/bucket thingy-ma-bob finally exits off at the divide of the freeway and the airport exit. It goes left and I go right. I pull into a full parking lot and am guided to the far end for "additional parking". I quickly steer my way back to the aera where my dear hubby likes to park. (The things I do for him!) As I drive I notice the place really is FULL. is there really going to be a spot for him on his favorite row?I finally arrive at the lane he favors and there 3 spaces down a glorified empty spot waiting just for my dear hubby's truck. YEAH!!! my heart lept. Maybe there is hope for this trip after all?

I was getting out of the truck when I realized I was missing the shuttle. TICK TOCK. Stupid me, I turned to look at the terminal. NOPE! not hoofing it! I went to the shuttle stop and wouldn't you know it, another shuttle hardly one minute behind the last one. Once inside the airport I was able to step right up to a kiosk to print out my ticket. I hurried upstairs and there are those TWO lanes. Which to take? the cattle line or the medalion? Knowing better I stepped into the cattle line behind the miles of people ahead of me. I do get to go through the medalion line when I'm with the frequent flier but he wasnt by my side right now. In fact he had just arrived into town and was on the other side of security waiting for me to tell him where his truck is parked. With every step I hesitate to move forward and get lost in the sea of cattle. The medalion line was completely empty ...just calling for someone to walk through. I look back, no one is coming. Behind me people are stepping into line already. I have at least 20 minutes before I can even get to take off my shoes at security for screening. (yes, I wear NEVADOS, those slip on suede shoes, I love em) I kept looking between the two lines. " Do I really have time for this?" I turned to see if anyone was coming. I ducked under the partition rope, "yes! I jumped lanes" and decided I WAS a medalion! I walked right up to the front of the line, got my ticket and ID checked and thought I was homefree! Nope! They had to check a machine I was carrying but they got it back to me before I had my shoes back on and carryon back in order. SWEET! I turn around there is my GUY! Hugs and kisses later he takes me into the crown room to freshen up then before we part ways I tell him where his truck is parked and what the girls have been up to and kiss him goodbye. How fun was that? A secret rendavous with the hubby at the airport? It felt almost scandalous~! =0)

I rushed off to my gate which was at the furthest part of the airport from the front entrance that you can get. I stopped to pick up a bottle of water and a bagel and made it to the gate with 12 minutes before boarding call. YES! I love my husband AND all his craziness! His middle name should be tick tock!

The Dreaded Photo: curse or blessing?

Today I was shown pictures of myself from a party I recently attended. I was dressed really nice or so I thought. I did get compliments on my hair and my outfit. Many people talked with me. I thought I had a great time. I thought I was doing good! But that was then, that party scene has worn off; weeks ago infact. I see these pictures and think to myself, "who is this woman and why is she wearing my clothes?"

As it sinks in that it truly is me and infact it IS my husband sitting next to me, I realize something has got to go! No, not the husband or the girl but that darn fat suit she is wearing! It just isn't IN style. I have thought about the time since that party where I have been (3 different states) and what I have done and eaten while visiting those places. I have indeed lived it up! I have enjoyed the places I have been, the activities I was involved in and the interesting people I spoke with. I had fun with my family AND I enjoyed my food!

I have also at times since this party thought that I really do need to start "trimming the fat". Cutting back on things in my diet. My clothes have become tighter than I care for them to be. I have to acknowledge that. I keep looking in the mirror and saying to myself, "hey you look gorgeous!" I say these things because somehow my mind keeps telling me I am. My mother always tells me how nice I look in my clothes. That I dress nicely for my size. That I'm always the "latest". So I keep thinking she is telling me the truth. Why on earth would she lie? My husband only says, "I just want you to be healthy". My girls always tell me I'm beautiful. Why would my children lie? Well maybe I am beautiful and my soul shines through so brightly people are actually seeing that and not the real piece of work standing before them? Not sure, but I do know now I need to prove my beauty on all levels.

How did I get this way? There are many reasons for the condition I am in now but I wont let any of them be excuses. I am simply the way I am now because I allowed myself to be. Now I need to undo this mess and become the person that I see in my mind. In my head I'm way skinnier than I am. I'm that same woman who was an athlete years ago. That same girl that could do anything that anyone told her to. Simple, easy, CAKE!

What? cake? See, that's my problem. Food is like an obsession for me. An addiction. It's truly physical. I keep telling myself, "okay, no sugar today", or "no eating out today". I'm just drawn to it. I can have a donut half eaten before I realize that I "wasn't" going to do this today, yet I have to finish it because I started it. I don't seem to have an "off" button or that sensation of feeling full til I'm ready to throw up. What's wrong with me?

Now, I'm thinking, if I could just get away from sugar for a few days. How do I do that when I'm cooking for others? Is that just an excuse? I just need to buck up and be strong. Strong? This must sound really strange to need to be strong to avoid sugar, it's just an ingredient. It's the common denominator of almost everything that I go after. It's my addiction. "It's my own personal brand of heroin. " (He he, 1- points to the first person who knows the author of that quote.) I'll take it in any way, shape or form. Or.....I did.

My mother in law may have been on to something. The first year she spent Christmas with us she snapped her camera everywhere we went. One day before she left she showed me some of the photos she developed. ALL of them were of this rather large woman that was ME. I flipped through the photos and one after another I kept wondering, "why are these of me only?, where are my kids and my husband in all these photos that I KNOW she has taken?" She in her own way was telling me I was fat, I was not presentable and she wasn't happy with her daughter in law. What kind of woman does that? Apparently she is and I just have to live with the kind of person she is. She has a point though, I am large, I am larger than I should be and it's unhealthy, it's irresponsible and it's selfish. I have a family that I need to be here for and I need to be at my best all the time. Now is the time to realize my worth, my potential and my own beauty, inside and out. Now is the time for change as scary as that seems.

Photos! they scream the truth, in this case at least. Thanks for inviting me to the party.