The Dreaded Photo: curse or blessing?

Today I was shown pictures of myself from a party I recently attended. I was dressed really nice or so I thought. I did get compliments on my hair and my outfit. Many people talked with me. I thought I had a great time. I thought I was doing good! But that was then, that party scene has worn off; weeks ago infact. I see these pictures and think to myself, "who is this woman and why is she wearing my clothes?"

As it sinks in that it truly is me and infact it IS my husband sitting next to me, I realize something has got to go! No, not the husband or the girl but that darn fat suit she is wearing! It just isn't IN style. I have thought about the time since that party where I have been (3 different states) and what I have done and eaten while visiting those places. I have indeed lived it up! I have enjoyed the places I have been, the activities I was involved in and the interesting people I spoke with. I had fun with my family AND I enjoyed my food!

I have also at times since this party thought that I really do need to start "trimming the fat". Cutting back on things in my diet. My clothes have become tighter than I care for them to be. I have to acknowledge that. I keep looking in the mirror and saying to myself, "hey you look gorgeous!" I say these things because somehow my mind keeps telling me I am. My mother always tells me how nice I look in my clothes. That I dress nicely for my size. That I'm always the "latest". So I keep thinking she is telling me the truth. Why on earth would she lie? My husband only says, "I just want you to be healthy". My girls always tell me I'm beautiful. Why would my children lie? Well maybe I am beautiful and my soul shines through so brightly people are actually seeing that and not the real piece of work standing before them? Not sure, but I do know now I need to prove my beauty on all levels.

How did I get this way? There are many reasons for the condition I am in now but I wont let any of them be excuses. I am simply the way I am now because I allowed myself to be. Now I need to undo this mess and become the person that I see in my mind. In my head I'm way skinnier than I am. I'm that same woman who was an athlete years ago. That same girl that could do anything that anyone told her to. Simple, easy, CAKE!

What? cake? See, that's my problem. Food is like an obsession for me. An addiction. It's truly physical. I keep telling myself, "okay, no sugar today", or "no eating out today". I'm just drawn to it. I can have a donut half eaten before I realize that I "wasn't" going to do this today, yet I have to finish it because I started it. I don't seem to have an "off" button or that sensation of feeling full til I'm ready to throw up. What's wrong with me?

Now, I'm thinking, if I could just get away from sugar for a few days. How do I do that when I'm cooking for others? Is that just an excuse? I just need to buck up and be strong. Strong? This must sound really strange to need to be strong to avoid sugar, it's just an ingredient. It's the common denominator of almost everything that I go after. It's my addiction. "It's my own personal brand of heroin. " (He he, 1- points to the first person who knows the author of that quote.) I'll take it in any way, shape or form. Or.....I did.

My mother in law may have been on to something. The first year she spent Christmas with us she snapped her camera everywhere we went. One day before she left she showed me some of the photos she developed. ALL of them were of this rather large woman that was ME. I flipped through the photos and one after another I kept wondering, "why are these of me only?, where are my kids and my husband in all these photos that I KNOW she has taken?" She in her own way was telling me I was fat, I was not presentable and she wasn't happy with her daughter in law. What kind of woman does that? Apparently she is and I just have to live with the kind of person she is. She has a point though, I am large, I am larger than I should be and it's unhealthy, it's irresponsible and it's selfish. I have a family that I need to be here for and I need to be at my best all the time. Now is the time to realize my worth, my potential and my own beauty, inside and out. Now is the time for change as scary as that seems.

Photos! they scream the truth, in this case at least. Thanks for inviting me to the party.